Monday, June 26, 2006

The Voice of the Turtle

My due date was today. But because the apparent cosmic purpose of my years of infertility was to make me forget about clocks, calendars, and stopwatches, let go of the last illusion of control created by the industrial revolution, and bow instead before nature's timescale, I am neither in the hospital, nor in labor, nor anywhere near giving birth.

On the contrary, I am the exhausted, ecstatic mother of a one-month old. Yes, my little trick-or-treater decided to arrive a month early. And, continuing my temporal rehabilitation, the baby has decided to sleep all day and eat all night, so that, although the computer claims it’s 5 PM, I am sitting here with a nice glass of orange juice and a bowl of granola, rubbing the dust from my eyes, while my sleeping baby coos occasionally beside me.

I thought I owed it to you all to let you know how the story starts. I still cannot say what I will make of this blog. I have really really been helped by the process of reading and writing blogs. At the same time, it has taken time from my life and my work that I certainly can’t afford in an industrial sense, and maybe shouldn’t give at all…

But at the very least, I wanted to offer a vision of myself and the baby as we ride off into the sunrise together. We live in an age too cynical for happy endings. But I have to say that this has been an extraordinarily happy beginning.

I was prepared for sleep deprivation, colic, baby blues, post-partum depression. I had primed myself with the understanding that motherhood is not all it's cracked up to be, that the joys of maternity have been gravely exaggerated by right-wing fanatics who want women out of the boardroom and trapped in boredom.

I was utterly unprepared for the sheer primal joy of holding the warm weight of a living child against the gaping, aching hole infertility had carved in my chest. I did not count on the sense of awed wonder of holding close a little body that I created and carried in my own, of leaning down to breath in the golden, baked-hay scent of baby skin, of brushing my cheek against silken baby hair, of gazing into my own baby’s face and loving every pimply, rashy inch of pink skin, of laughing with delight at every fart and burp. A baby is a feast for the senses, a salve for the wounded soul. I did not know that love could feel like this. I’ve been blindsided by joy. And I wish, really, that time could just stop right here.

"For, lo, the winter is past,
the rain is over and gone;
The flowers appear on the earth;
the time of the singing of birds is come,
and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land."

P.S. A bit about my treatment: I never received any medical explanation for my unexplained recurrent miscarriages. This successful pregnancy occurred without treatment of any kind.* Except. When I first began trying to conceive more than three years ago, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, an autoimmune thyroid disease. I personally believe (and there are European studies to back up this possibility) that under treatment of my thyroid disease with inadequate levels of thyroid hormone replacement could be the explanation for my earlier losses. With this pregnancy I insisted on WEEKLY testing of my thyroid levels through the end of the first trimester (unheard of frequency in endocrinology circles, but Dr. Cookie-Pie, my RE, was at a loss for anything else to do and agreed to humor me) and found I needed to increase my thyroid hormone dose regularly, until I reached a dosage about 1/3 greater than before the pregnancy. (Once my TSH levels seemed to stabilize, I tested once/month for the rest of the pregnancy.) My doctors *do not* believe that this explains the success of this pregnancy. They say vague things like, "your body finally figured it out." But I think that *I* finally figured it out and I want to offer up this shred of a possible explanation to any other recurrent miscarriers who might be able to use it...

*You may recall the use of a little supplementary progesterone, true. But this was the first pregnancy in which there was any indication I might need it. My hormone levels have always been fine; we did it as a precaution this time due to the spotting, which I now think was caused by 1- the rough internal exam I was given on 10/31, before we knew there was a heartbeat and 2- the baby aspirin that I was briefly on initially (on my RE's advice on the off chance that it would help, despite the fact that a hematology consult turned up no evidence of a clotting disorder). In other words the unnecessary aspirin cancels out the unnecessary progesterone, meaning that this pregnancy needed nothing but synthroid.

9 comments:

Susie said...

I'm so happy for you!

GLouise said...

I am so glad to hear the happy ending.

Verrry interesting about the Hashimoto's. I have had the same thing for about 10 years. I have been under treatment since then, but have always wondered if it plays a role in my current infertility, even though my drs. disagree. Hmm.

I am glad you insisted on the weekly testing.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anne, congratulations on the birth of your baby! What a beautiful post.

I am so happy and so touched to hear your happy beginning.

Nik said...

Congratulations. And good luck on that time-stopping thing. It's all I wish for. But then, every next day is amazing too.

Anonymous said...

Conratulations and thanks you for the update!

Thalia said...

So glad to hear that your baby is here. I've been checking back once every few days just to see. Thank you for sharing your joy with us.

Anonymous said...

Anne,

Congratulations! I have been following your story for a while. I had two miscarriages myself and am now 37 weeks pregnant. I very much hope to be in your position shortly! Interestingly, I also had a bunch of tests after my miscarriages, and the only thing that came up was subclinical hypothyroidism. I had had slightly elevated TSH levels for a while but no doctor ever seemed concerned - even when I brought it up at my preconception checkup. After the last miscarriage, my OB suggested that I see an endocrinologist just to make sure. The endocrinologist was adamant that I should go on synthroid and thought that there could be a relationship between my hypothyroidism and the miscarriages. Who knows if the synthroid is the reason why this pregnancy has been different but it's the closest thing to an "explanation" I have found. Best wishes for you and your family!
Lisa

Anonymous said...

Congratulations, Anne. I'm so glad that you got your happy ending/beginning.

Anonymous said...

You're back! and with happy news! Yay!

So glad to hear of your happiness.

I'm at the end of year two with no birth control, but I've moved on to graduate school and while I would certainly welcome a little one it's not a main focus of my life right now.

I'll keep checking back for more news, happy or otherwise.