Two friends of mine IRL have had miscarriages in the last 2 weeks. Each called me within the hour of getting the bad news. One, a veteran at this, was already off getting her nails done at the time. The other, a newbie, called sobbing into her cell phone from the clinic parking lot. I was both touched and deeply saddened to be the one they both thought to call first. Apparently, after 3 miscarriages, I have passed the apprenticeship and fellowship stages and am now considered a Grand Master in the Masonic Order of Miscarriage.*
So, I propose a cyber sororal lodge for Miscarriage Masons. Instead of the “Square and Compass” logo we can adopt the “Wand and Speculum.” You can’t apply for membership to this secret society, you can only be selected. While I wish it didn’t fall to me to be the one to initiate friends into the mysteries of the miscarriage ritual--the secret signs, the code words, the lore handed down through the ages--as a Master Mason I offer herewith a primer for those unfortunate enough to be tapped to join:
Spotting never symbolizes anything good. Beware of medical codes. Don’t believe them when they claim that the only reason they can’t find a heartbeat is because the crappy old ultrasound machine is no good and they’re just sending you for a “confirmation” ultrasound at the better clinic. Those people are not “on the level.” There are no crappy old ultrasound machines. Mention of the COUM is code for “you’re fucked, your baby’s dead, but please wait and do your crying in someone else’s office.” As for Masonic regalia, buy some pretty yoga pants to wear to the D&C. Miscarriage masonry ritual dictates passing the first awful hours after the D&C viewing as many mindless videos as you can before falling asleep. Finally, be aware that Masonic miscarriage tradition calls for a hormonal plunge following a loss, so be prepared for the resultant despair and depression.
The Miscarriage Masons is one secret society no one ever wants to be able to join. Membership in the Miscarriage Freemasons will not make you feel free. But it will make you highly sensitive to the pain of your fellow members. So, when you meet a sister, make the secret sign and hug her hard.
Many thanks to all of you who "flashed the sign" on reading my last post. It makes me feel a bit better to think I'm helping others to feel a bit better too.
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freemasonry
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9 comments:
How funny....I've said before to a fellow "recurrent miscarrier" (what an icky term!) that we are like this weird little club that you never, ever wanted to be a part of, but somehow, you ended up in it.....and there is an overwhelming comfort in knowing that there are other women out there who know your feelings, your pain, your losses. It's a strange thing to say you're happy that there are others, but I think you know what I mean.....
On knowing the handshake... I recently discovered that a new friend had had five miscarriages (just like me!) while she was having her three children (unlike me). It's interesting how we "habitual aborters" tend to find each other in a sea of other women. I could not help it, I cried when she told me about the five she lost, even though she has three healthy kids (one a teenager) and I was already pregnant myself. It's so horrible.
At least we can be there for each other. Sometimes it seems like small consolation, but I think it really does help.
I am absolutely AMAZED at how completely you have capture my own experience. Yep, had the COUM and it did feel exactly like "go cry in someone else's office." Oh and a variation for you, how about the heartless radiologist who (without addressing me at all, having told me NOTHING) turned to the radiology interns with her and said, looking at the monitor, "here's the evidence of fetal demise." Lovely, that.
Thank you for helping us stick together. There is comfort in that.
Our experiences become a fountain of knowldege for us and people around us and it's usually the stuff that's horibble and that we'd trade for anything that can help people the most.
Ah Sonya, that radiologist's line deserves to be engraved on the Masonic Wall of Moronic Remarks. So sorry...
Hey, I think I qualify for membership! Where do I get my wand and speculum pin?
I know I don't qualify, but I still think it's a lovely idea (and v funny too - it continually amazes me how so many of us can be so funny in the midst of such pain).
Here's hoping you'll not need the support of the club next time (although I know you'll always be a member)
delurking to say that I am apparently only in fellowship stage (having had only two), but have been glad -- that sounds weird, but hopefully you know how I mean it -- to have found this community to try to make sense of it all.
And are the pins silver, or gold plated??
A very moving post. I admire the strength of all of you who have had this experience and have managed to maintain your sense of humor and just plain sanity through it all.
Hats off.
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