Dearest Readers,
With the help of the fabulous Suzie of the aptly-named Not a Habit, I recently figured out how to make links, including an all-important link to the mother of all blogrolls Julie's big list. Thanks to Julie's recent update, I am now actually included on that big list, my very own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And because of that link, I have received dozens on dozens of visits today. But no comments. What gives?
Are you all ferociously shy? Bored to tears at the thought that another hapless infertile has started a blog? Just really not interested in the thoughts of this particular hapless infertile? I would really love to know YOUR thoughts.
So, I'm going to ask you a direct question and hope for some responses. Where are you on the path to parenthood? Cruising the blacktop with the hood down? Stuck in the mud? Crashed into the guard rail? What do you do to keep yourself occupied on the journey? Are you the kind who packs the car with lots of healthy snacks and classic books on tape? The kind who stops after 15 miles cause they have Nathan's at the rest stop & Nathan's sells those awesome crispy crinkled french fries with the mini pitchfork (the forks are red cause those greasy tasty fries are the devil's own food), plus that way you can pick up copies of Cosmo and People? The kind that drives all night, pees into a bottle, and coasts into each gas stop on fumes?
I am finding it a little hard to keep myself occupied on this damn road trip. We've taken so many wrong turns, the whole thing is lasting way longer than I thought it would. I've eaten through my homemade GONC (that's good old nuts and chocolate, cause who would ever waste their time on raisins). I've eaten some good, greasy fast food. I've driven in silence for grim determined hours. But we're still not there. And the road is so foggy, I can't tell if I'm getting closer, or driving in circles, or possibly heading straight for a cliff.
Objectively, I have a very nice life. But after a lot of debate and discussion, my husband and I decided we were ready to change that life. Yet, life decided to stay the same. Instead, I changed. I can't seem to get comfortable again in the life that I had, but I don't know how to get to the life I think I want. I'm on a road that seems to go nowhere and has No Exit. Eh bien, continuous. . . .
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12 comments:
You said it--"I can't get seem to get comfortable in that life again." That sums it up perfectly for me.
Wish I knew how to move past that and live my life in the present, without the distraction of that desire for something else, that other life.
As for the comments, never fear! They will come. Just keep a-blogging. It takes a while for people to get to know a new writer and feel comfortable with commenting.
--Bugs
I have the project of finding out what makes a good blog different from a bad one, and so I've been looking at blogs all day.
Yours is the first that I've read completely through.
Your prose has brought me hauntingly back to parallel painful years of my own...
"libber" older sister...
physics degree...
later marriage...
plenty of time for babies...
trouble getting pregnant...
miscarriage...
calendar sex...
more pregnancy delay...
more miscarriages...
expensive hormone therapy…
another miscarriage…
total of five.
All my siblings fell into this trap. My mother has ten grandchildren in all: Five of them were adopted overseas, two are stepchildren and only three were born into the family.
My two beautiful China dolls are growing up strong, smart and healthy. I can look at pregnant women without feeling nauseous. That gnawing pain and emptiness is a distant memory.
For us, it was therapeutic to begin the adoption process. We didn’t wait to “run out of other options” before we began. As it turned out, we received the picture of my daughter with travel news two days after I found out I was pregnant. We decided that it would have been a great blessing to have two babies together!
I did miscarry shortly afterwards, but fortunately it was early enough to not have missed the baby trip to China. It would have been truly cruel to go through that alone.
My best advice is to do all you can to save the marriage. It was very hard on my husband to have me depressed and hormonal for such a long time.
I just found you through Julie. Where am I? I guess I would say I'm driving a "boxy but good" Volvo, but the engine just crapped out and now I'm wondering if that banging noise under the hood is going to keep up or if I should just ignore it and keep going. I'm generally a healthy-snack roadtripper, but am a sucker for the occasional (oh, fine, daily) chocolate kiss.
I really like your blog. Welcome to the club no one wanted to join. :)
Got here from Julie as well.
I'm on the road to adoption, but we've stalled again with the money part.
Keep writing.
Ha! "The club no one wanted to join" - I like that. Well, I'm at the beginning of the road, probably jogging. I'm 31, and I somehow convinced myself that everything would be fine if we just tried a bit longer - oh, or that I was somehow imagining the occasional (4/10) 3-5 day late, painful periods since we started TTC. My husband was jogging with me for a bit, but he got his "All clear" and headed home. So here I stand, at the fork in the road. I had my first visit with an RE and he admired my regular ovulation and my slightly miserable progesterone. I'm reluctant to sprint at this point, because I might need to save my energy - not sure how long this road will be. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.
Hi, I'm here from Julie too, who I found through, umm.. Squid's blog I think...
using your metaphor I'm still at the start of the trip, running back in the house because I've forgotton something. In other words.. if we don't figure out how to get me to ovulate, I can't make a baby now can I? Just starting treatment this month, and really hoping the first thing we try works.
When I think back very hard, I can remember the day we decided to go on this trip. We'd waited to make the decision for a long time, had already been married seven years, and suddenly it felt like time. I spoke to the GYN and he explained how it all worked, we figured out I was ovulating that week, and we zoomed out of the driveway. Three weeks later we were staring at two pink lines and we knew we were really on our way.
That was five years and five miscarriages ago. I'm 36 years old now. I'm shooting up gonadotropins at night and adding an extra hour on my commute (four days this week) so I can be monitored at 7:30 before I go in to work. I feel like we're limping along in one of those old Model T Fords that all the Okies drove out of the dust bowl to California back in the 1930s.
I still hope we get there.
Glad you worked the links out, they look awesome!
susie
notahabit
Hi.
I am down the road (got my IVF baby on my 3rd attempt) but I am embarking on a new journey to (hopefully) baby#2 via FET next month. I am a long-time reader of IF blogs but very shy and also English is my second language, so I tend not to comment too much (unless asked). I have read only a couple of entries but I liked you instantly so here I am and will come back for more!
Wow...That was a great question. It really hits home. I was told after 2 1/2 years without a cycle that I couldn't have children. Now the doctors apparently weren't thinking, since about 2 months later, I was pregnant. How you ask? They still don't know.
It was a rough road to delivery, and after preclampsia, we ended up with a 6 weeks early delivery. Somehow Ryan (my son) made it through okay.
Now I'm trying for my second. And what do I hear from doctors AGAIN? We think you need Clomid, don't expect it to happen like it did last time... The first time was a fluke, you'll never make it...
I really hate when people tell me what I can't do.
As to your question:
The road is foggy and hard to see, but I've walked it before and we made it. Trying to "retrace" my steps hasn't worked...it is a new road now...but I'm not giving up no matter what. I can only hope my road will be shorter than others. At least I know the road is there...for those who've never had travelled, you first have to FIND the road and then travel it...wish I could tell you where to look, but I don't know how I found it (and neither do the doctors)!
And while I may pack healthy snacks, I stop for bad bad food.
Wow. I'm just about speechless. Thank you all so much for these comments.
I never really thought of it as a road but rather a quagmire. Going nowhere with shots and cervical pokings. I guess I feel that the real trip begins when a child arrives and for the moment I'm in one long hellish, Sartrean No Exit, insane, 1950's-station-wagon-packing, peanut-butter-sandwich-making, map-highlighting, tire-pressure-checking, oil-changing, mileage-counting, sunglass-polishing, driving-glove-knitting, chrome-polishing, thermos-filling prelude. Three and half years and we haven't left the garage yet.
My husband and I were on our way to the bank to cash his unemployment check when suddenly we were on the highway and had passed the last rest stop. We had not packed a snack or a map or fresh underwear but we were on our way nevertheless. All we had was a 20 pack of bud light and a half finished pack of smokes. We had to throw those out the window. "Surprise" is now 4 months old. I got here through Julie.
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