To anyone who's still here reading, hi and thank you. I am doing OK, but only OK. Plunging back into infertility and loss after believing I'd somehow tamed the beast is deeply painful to me. Many moments, many days even, I think I'm fine, only to be brought up short by some unexpected reminder: today a cheery email about a friend's new pregnancy, yesterday finally facing the task of picking up from the dry-cleaner the maternity shirts I'd sent out a few weeks ago in burst of optimism. Then I'm reminded that repression of emotion and elimination of emotion are not actually one and the same.
Mostly I've coped by throwing myself into work and burrowing my nose in Turtle's curls. It should be enough and I want it to be enough, a career I care about and a great kid I adore. But a lot of times, those dark-hours-in-the-middle-of-the-night times, it's not enough. And I don't really know what to do about that unwelcome, uncomfortable fact.
The truth is that I thought this last pregnancy was going to kill me. I had an official diagnosis of hyperemesis (which Zofran made a dent in only for a day) and I was soo miserable with the nausea that suicide or abortion were suddenly *almost* seeming like viable, rational options. Pregnancy bloating notwithstanding, I actually managed to lose six percent of my body weight in three weeks. So I really never, never want to be pregnant ever, ever again. I get a bit panicky at the mere thought of going back to that bad place, spewing acid through my mouth and nose every few hours around the clock, unable to keep anything down, unable to stand up I'm so dehydrated, unable to summon the will to live.
And yet I want another kid.
Not only do I have a job I love and a kid I love, but both of these incredibly important things suffer terribly when I'm pregnant. Pregnancy is truly the very hardest thing I've ever done. I find it completely incapacitating. There's so much that I'm good at, so much that brings me joy in life. Pregnancy simply seems not to be my thing.
And yet I want another kid.
If you're still reading at this point, you're probably shrieking, "why don't you just adopt for the love of God?" And I'm thinking about it. But my husband really, really does not want to adopt. And he really, really, really wants another kid. Several more kids if the truth be told. And the fact is that my fourth pregnancy produced an adorable child, a child so sweet, so sensitive, so silly, so funny, that I walk around fearing fate will snatch him from me because no one deserves to be this lucky. How could I not want another kid?
And so the loss of this latest pregnancy leaves me spent. Agreeing to get pregnant this last time took all the courage I have because every pregnancy, frankly, has been as bad as this one was. With no baby to show for it, I just feel like I can't face another. I'm fresh out of courage. I am flailing with rageful impotence at the unfairness of the world, cracking my whip at the empty air as that wily beast infertility snarls at me, taunting me just out of reach.
Have I mentioned that the no-heart-beat sonogram was on my 1/2 birthday? That I am 35 and a half years old? That I really don't have time to take a "wait and see" attitude?
But I get up everyday and try to be OK.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Hey Girl. Good to hear from you. Sorry about your pregnancy loss. It must have been weird with all the mixed feelings. I can't imagine how traumatising it is to be so sick during pregnancy.
The pregnancy sickness sounds just awful. I can't remember, were you this sick with turtle? I have heard people say that it was different between pregnancies for them, but also that if you've had HG, there is a stronger chance of getting it again, so I don't know what to believe.
And believe me, we all know it's not a case of 'just adopt'. It's a very very complicated decision, and it sounds like the time is not right for your family.
It sounds like one of the most important things here is for you to stop feeling guilty about feeling that your family is not complete, even with Turtle. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. It doesn't make you ungrateful for Turtle, it means you want him to be part of a larger family.
I don't know what the answer is for you, but I do hope you can let go of the guilt - both ways.
Em-Thanks much for your comment. Tried to leave you one at Akimbo, but Blogger keeps claiming there's something wrong with my URL AND that I'm entering my password wrong! I should introduce the damn browser to my uterus!
Post a Comment